Understanding your child's emotions
- Psych Central
- Apr 8
- 3 min read
By Daniela Regal, Educational Psychologist
Many parents have expressed to me how confusing and overwhelming it can be when their child experiences a sudden meltdown, becomes unusually quiet, or lashes out without warning. In those moments, it's difficult to understand what might be happening beneath the surface.
One helpful concept in psychology that can shed light on these behaviours is called the Window of Tolerance. Let's explore what this means and how you can support your child when their emotions feel "too big" for them to manage.
What is the Window of Tolerance?
The "Window of Tolerance" is a concept introduced by Dr. Dan Siegel. It refers to the optimal zone where a person is able to function effectively and feel comfortable. In this state, your child can think clearly, learn, engage socially, and handle everyday stress in a manageable way. Although they may still experience strong emotions, they can remain grounded and return to a state of calm relatively quickly. When children are within this window, they are in their "optimal zone" — they are alert but not anxious, and calm but not disengaged.
What Happens Outside the Window?
When a child moves outside of their window — either due to stress, fear, exhaustion, or overwhelm — their nervous system goes into a survival mode.
This might look like:
Hyperarousal (Fight or Flight): Your child might become overly anxious, angry, reactive, or hyper. You might see yelling, hitting, running away, or panicking.
Hypoarousal (Freeze or Shut Down): Your child might become withdrawn, spaced out, unusually quiet, tired, or "numb." It can look like they're ignoring you, but they may simply be overwhelmed.
These are not bad behaviours — they are survival responses. Your child isn’t trying to be difficult; they’re simply outside of their window and don’t have the tools (yet) to come back on their own.
What Shrinks or Expands the Window?
A child’s window of tolerance can be narrow or wide, and it can shift day to day depending on things like:
- How safe and connected they feel
- How tired or hungry they are
- Whether they’re feeling accepted or judged
- Their individual temperament or trauma history
Children with wider windows can handle more stress before tipping into fight, flight, or freeze. The good news? The window can be widened over time — and you can help.
How Can You Support Your Child?
Here are a few gentle ways you can help your child stay within — or return to — their window:
Connection Before Correction: When your child is dysregulated, the first thing they need is connection, not correction. Calm presence, eye contact, and soothing voice tones are powerful tools.
Name It to Tame It: Help them name what they’re feeling: “I see you're really frustrated right now.” This helps engage their thinking brain and regulate emotion.
Create Safety: Your child needs to feel emotionally safe to return to their window. Predictable routines, your calm energy, and emotional validation go a long way.
Practice Regulation Skills Together: Deep breathing, movement, play, mindfulness, journaling, or drawing can all help regulate big feelings.
Reflect Later, Not During: When they’re calm again, talk gently about what happened. This is when learning can take place.
Final Thoughts
Your child is still learning how to manage their intense emotions, and they need your support more than your solutions. The Window of Tolerance reminds us that what may appear as “bad behaviour” is often a sign that a child is feeling overwhelmed. By staying calm, offering connection, and helping them co-regulate, you are not only assisting them in the moment but also teaching them long-lasting emotional resilience. You are doing important, meaningful work. Remember, you don’t have to be a perfect parent, just a present one.
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